"Words to a Page"

So, I starting writing this script over 10 years ago, it used to be called "Falling". It always starred myself and my best friend Jontynise Smith, but I kept changing it. When I first started writing it, I was in high school, so therefore the characters of Trish, Channa and Jesse were in high school. Now, they're 23 and living on their own. Funny. I finished the script, once and for all, back in 2008 and registered it with the Writer's Guild, got my own WGA number and everything on the bottom of the pages of the printed script. What's next?! I gotta make the damn thing!

I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it, considering it's set in Chicago and I really want to be in Los Angeles in a few months. I have an HD camera, I'm probably going to buy a MAC and get Final Cut Pro, or I could just learn to use my Adobe Premier Pro CS5 and just upgrade my PC. I'm really not sure. Right now, I'm just looking to finish this documentary. There is still a lot of footage to take. I'll figure it out. I could always film "Words to a Page" next year. Actually get some real funding behind it after taking the documentary to some film festivals and making somewhat of a name for myself as a filmmaker. We'll see how things go.

They told me not to, I did it anyway

So I put back up the video from my documentary, "Beyond this Life". My mother and brother got upset, saying I was "putting family business out there" like I'd said something derogatory about my family, which, obviously, I had not. But nevertheless, I've decided that I'm not going to let someone's comments affect my creativity. I plan on putting up several snippets from the footage I've taken to make people want to see the finished product. I have not finished the film, and I still have things I'd like to capture. My ultimate goal right now is to interview someone who works at a funeral home just to get some sort of understanding of what it might be like to be faced with the idea of all of our inevitability every single day of their life. How can you go back to your regular life after dealing with death all day at work? That's what I'm working on right now.

Who Me, Edit?!

I spent a lot of time this past week transferring footage from the computer to my back-up drive. I don't know how I'm going to edit this thing yet. I might just learn Adobe Premier Pro, or I'm considering just buying a Mac and getting Final Cut Pro and taking a class at Chicago Filmmakers to learn how to use it. If I learn that program, it would be easier to find a job as an editor in LA. I could also always edit my own projects. That would be awesome.

Other than that, everything is coming together right now. I'm going to talk to a lawyer this week, just to make sure I have everything in order when it comes to the release forms before I do interviews with my friends and family. I printed out the release forms, but I read that I should have them looked over.

On top of that, I'm getting back out there and trying to audition more. I have two auditions coming up in the next few weeks, for theater. I've never done theater before, but I would like to have that on my resume. I'm also going to go back to acting class. I feel out of practice. I also need to redo my demo reel.

Also, I'd put up a little snippet of some of the footage I've taken, and my mother had such a problem with it, I took it down off of Youtube. Not to appease her, per se, because she's being absolutely unreasonable and ridiculous. I mean, I'm still using the footage in the film! She's saying that I can't use pictures of dead family members in the film, and if I do, she'll sue me. Another reason to speak to a lawyer. On top of that, my brother is cyber bullying me. Wow, right?

But I'm okay because a) you learn to expect things from certain people and b) I have so much going on right now, and I'm staying so busy I don't have time to dwell. I'm trying to get more followers on Twitter, because more followers, more fans...more people that care that you've released a film or appearing in a play, released a single, whatever. Right now, I have almost 700 followers on Twitter, mostly because of the dear Rosario Dawson, who I met years ago when I was an extra on the set of the film "Light it Up". She's been retweeting me when I ask her to and I'm trying to get to 1000 followers by my birthday, February 8th. It's also awesome because not only am I networking, I'm meeting new people and having great conversations. So in between filming, editing, acting, working out and mommying, I'm having great conversations with strangers on my Blackberry on Twitter!

Sadness into Light

Bry and myself went to a cemetery near our house today. I hadn't been in there, but I'd read up on it. There was a funeral taking place at the time. It was a military funeral and it made me so sad. I could see the cars driving up, then the family members getting out of their cars. All I could think about was how devastated they must've been. We continued to drive around and I kept the camera rolling. We continued to talk about the experience on the way home. He asked me if I thought we got enough footage. I said we got enough footage to keep me sad for the rest of the day. I tried not to let the experience ruin my day. I came home and reflected on it, and I thought that perhaps talking about death and reading about it recently would really disturb me, sadden me. In fact, all it's done is made me more driven. Made me realize that there are so many things I want to do, need to do, before I die.

"Beyond this Life" Snippet Part 1

I uploaded a little snippet or trailer if you will, for the documentary. I put it on Youtube. It's just me talking about my first experiences with death in my family and showing pictures of family members and talking about what they mean to me.

It's all becoming so personal...

We were filming last night and things got real. I was upset. It was my mother's birthday and I didn't call her. I felt horrible. I felt like a bad person. Bry was trying to make me feel better, talk sense into me, blah blah blah...I grabbed the camera and starting filming.

The film is taking another direction. Something unexpected is happening and this documentary, that I was trying to make about other people's perceptions of death, the unknown and the afterlife has turned into this very personal inward look at myself, concerning my familial troubles and the deaths I've had to deal with myself. It's interesting and it's causing me to do a great deal of self reflection. I'm enjoying the artistic and creative side of this thing, though I am just filming everything. I'm filming the bad jokes my husband and I make, I'm filming us playing with the girls, I'm filming us having serious conversations about disappointment, the weather, our work, the film and our move to Los Angeles in a few months, which may play a predominate role in the grand scheme of the film.

I am frustrated and tired, but also my creative juices are flowing. Overflowing, if you will. I feel stronger every day making this film and I hope the end result will be something great. Not just something to take to Sundance, and perhaps win an Oscar (fingers crossed) but something touching, heartfelt and optimistic. I hope it touches people when they see it. I hope I can express myself in a way that reaches out to people who may have their own troubles with a love/hate relationship with their families. I mean, how long in your life can you just accept the things that are happening around you and to you before you take action, stand up, and say that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired? My mind was exhausted at all the things that I saw and had to deal with as a child. My husband told me last night that I was no longer the 3-year-old sitting under the table, holding my doll and sucking my thumb, ignored and invisible, while my mother and brother physically fought. I was no longer the teenager who had to come home from school and lock herself in her room because if I didn't, a fight would ensue and I would be caught in the middle. I was no longer the little child screaming and crying and begging for attention for the good I was doing. Negative attention is bad attention. I don't want that.

So to answer my question, how many years can I take of abuse? Apparently, not quite 30. My birthday is next month. I will document that too. Los Angeles is about 3 months away, friends. I'm counting the days.

The Japanese Suicide Forest

I watched this short documentary online about this forest in Japan at the base of Mount Fuji where people go to commit suicide! It's the most depressing and disturbing thing ever. I recorded myself after watching the film and talked about how it felt to watch it and how depressed I used to be, and would think about suicide, and now all I care about is preserving my life. I mean, obviously, I have a lot more to live for now then when I was 17-20 years old when I was really depressed and thought I had nothing to live for. My dreams seemed so far-fetched back then. I never thought I could be a filmmaker or actress. I never thought I would have a husband or 3 awesome kids, but here I am, at almost 30, and care more about preserving my life than anything. I want to be there for my children, grandchildren, even great-grandchildren, God willing.

I also did some research online about other cultures and religions and how they view death and the afterlife. I typed up some stuff and I'm going to print it out and keep it in my notebook, for future reference.

And then today, I went past a funeral home not too far from my house and a hearse was pulling out of the lot and a procession of cars was behind it. I started thinking about what it must be like to do that sort of job on a regular basis, like a mortician or funeral home director. I think I'm going to call them this week and ask if I can interview them on camera. I already have my release forms printed out and in my production notebook.

A link to that film I was talking about:

Wikipedia about the Aokigahara Forest

The TV special about the Forest:

Japan's suicide forest